David Letterman on President Bush

David Letterman on President Bush (Surprising)

David Letterman wrote this; it's the David we don't often see....

"As most of you know I am not a President Bush fan, nor have I ever been, but this is not about Bush, it is about us, as Americans, and it seems to hit the mark. The other day I was reading Newsweek magazine and came across some Poll data I found rather hard to believe. It must be true given the source, right? The Newsweek poll alleges that 67 percent of Americans are unhappy with the direction the country is headed and 69 percent of the country is unhappy with the performance of the President. In essence 2/3 of the citizenry just ain't happy and want a change. So being the knuckle dragger I am, I started thinking, 'What are we so unhappy about?'

A. Is it that we have electricity and running water 24 hours a day, 7 Days a week?

B. Is our unhappiness the result of having air conditioning in the summer and heating in the winter?

C. Could it be that 95.4 percent of these unhappy folks have a job?

D. Maybe it is the ability to walk into a grocery store at any time and see more food in moments than Darfur has seen in the last year?

E. Maybe it is the ability to drive our cars and trucks from the Pacific Ocean to the Atlantic Ocean without having to present identification papers as we move through each state?

F. Or possibly the hundreds of clean and safe motels we would find along the way that can provide temporary shelter?

G. I guess having thousands of restaurants with varying cuisine from around the world is just not good enough either.

H. Or could it be that when we wreck our car, emergency workers show up and provide services to help all and even send a helicopter to take you to the hospital.

I. Perhaps you are one of the 70 percent of Americans who own a home.

J. You may be upset with knowing that in the unfortunate case of a fire, a group of trained firefighters will appear in moments and use top notch equipment to extinguish the flames,thus saving you, your family, and your belongings.

K. Or if, while at home watching one of your many flat screen TVs, a burglar or prowler intrudes, an officer equipped with a gun and a bullet-proof vest will come to defend you and your family against attack or loss.

L. This all in the backdrop of a neighborhood free of bombs or militias raping and pillaging the residents. Neighborhoods where 90% of teenagers own cell phones and computers.

M. How about the complete religious, social and political freedoms we enjoy that are the envy of everyone in the world? Maybe that is what has 67% of you folks unhappy. Fact is, we are the largest group of ungrateful, spoiled brats the world has ever seen. No wonder the world loves the U.S., yet has a great disdain for its citizens. They see us for what we are. The most blessed people in the world who do nothing but complain about what we don't have, and what we hate about the country instead of thanking the good Lord we live here. I know, I know. What about the president who took us into war and has no plan to get us out? The president who has a measly 31percent approval rating? Is this the same president who guided the nation in the dark days after 9/11? The president that cut taxes to bring an economy out of recession? Could this be the same guy who has been called every name in the book for succeeding in keeping all the spoiled ungrateful brats safe from terrorist attacks? The commander in chief of an all-volunteer army that is out there defending you and me? Did you hear how bad the President is on the news or talk show? Did this news affect you so much, make you so unhappy you couldn't take a look around for yourself and see all the good things and be glad? Think about it......are you upset at the President because he actually caused you personal pain OR is it because the 'Media' told you he was failing to kiss your sorry ungrateful behind every day. Make no mistake about it. The troops in Iraq and Afghanistan have volunteered to serve, and in many cases may have died for your freedom. There is currently no draft in this country. They didn't have to go. They are able to refuse to go and end up with either a ''general'' discharge, an "other than honorable'' discharge or, worst case scenario, a ''dishonorable" discharge after a few days in the brig. So why then the flat-out discontentment in the minds of 69 percent of Americans? Say what you want but I blame it on the media. If it bleeds it leads and they specialize in bad news. Everybody will watch a car crash with blood and guts. How many will watch kids selling lemonade at the corner? The media knows this and media outlets are for-profit corporations. They offer what sells, and when criticized, try to defend their actions by 'justifying' them in one way or another. Just ask why they tried to allow a murderer like O.J. Simpson to write a book about how he didn't kill his wife, but if he did he would have done it this way......Insane! Turn off the TV, burn Newsweek, and use the New York Times for the bottom of your bird cage. Then start being grateful for all we have as country. There is exponentially more good than bad. We are among the most blessed people on Earth and should thank God several times a day, or at least be thankful and appreciative. With hurricanes, tornadoes, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, "Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?"

David Letterman

Hot Yoga

I took my first hot yoga class last night. Imagine working out for an hour in 103 degree heat. I sweated my ass off. I think I had a spout on the top of my head that poured my sweat. It was cool.....and totally overwhelming. The room was hot (obviously) and dark (more dim than dark) and there were tons of people in the room (0k 15 people....tons in my book). I had to work through my anxiety of being in a hot, dark room with too many people. Regardless. I will go back. Man....I am sore today. I am such a wuss.

I love this pic of me and Erin at her wedding reception

Life in general

Life in general is grand. My dear friend Kathy and her husband Ted are pregnant. Bliss. They have been trying for a long time and deserve this. As she told me, "we are expecting our first Buff". (Making reference to the University of Colorado Buffalos where both she and her husband attended college.) Kathy has fought her un-share amount of crappy health issues......I am pleased as punch for them. Now.....I am ready for the opportunity to make such an announcement for me and Todd....regardless....trying to get pregnant is fun.

The Douchebags next door

We had it good....for about 4 years. The guy who owned the townhouse next to us was a dream neighbor. Todd and I used to joke that he must be a pilot or something....he was never home. OK. So our cool neighbor knocked up his girlfriend and moved into her home. Sweet. NOW they have renters in their home. They have 2 kids, a girl 3 and a boy 2. The 1st weekend they moved in we heard them fighting.....loud. Something about the wife's new haircut and how she will just cut off her hair to make him happy. Yup. She shaved her head. WT. OK. Then later the 2 year old boy was seen running with scissors......I saw him and he made a stabbing motion towards me. Like....I will kill you. Sweet. On Wednesday Todd came home saw toys in our backyard.....douchebag mom in their backyard.....and......and the 3 year old in our home. YES! The kid was in our home. WTF? Crawled through our dog door. I have never seen Todd so angry. I was freaked out. What if that kid hurt herself in our house? The douchebag parents "seemed" concerned that their dirtbag kid was in our house.....but not concerned enough for my opinion. PLUS we have a sick dog....I don't need him to deal with more stress. Blech.

My favorite wedding pics

Here are a few of my favorite wedding pics. I finally got around to printing and framing our wedding pictures this weekend. Enjoy!

The Dude

Barkley aka "The Dude" has been officially diagnosned with a form of auto immune disease. Sweet. Better than the initial call from the vet of skin cancer. He is doing much better.....but our pocket books are not. This disease has a 60% death rate so we are not out of the woods yet. Regardless it's great to see our boy with a new bark on life.

In an instant....

.....I guess I am being emotional because of Barkley....he's only 6 for pete's sake. Anyway. Isn't it amazing how quickly life can change in an instant? Think of the person driving home from work....and gets in a car accident and is paralysed for life. I can't stop thinking about how upset our cat Sasha was last night while Barkley was at the vet. She kept looking for him and crying out. Life. Blech. And if you are thinking..."he's just a dog" I want to punch you in the face.

The dude

Months ago....I had given our dog Barkley the nickname of "the dude". He's one cool character. A dude. Ha. Barkley has been diagnosed with skin cancer.....a very aggressive form. He is one big scab.....that overcame his body in 2 weeks. Amazingly...he is in good spirits. We are going to bring him up to the mountains this weekend and give him our undivided attention. Feed him his favorite foods. Make him comfortable. Please pray for me for the strength to get through this.

Guess who came to dinner

This fawn followed home a sweet Beagle dog. Ahhhhh. What a cute story. Fear not....the fawn was returned to her momma.

That's good advice

I was on a sales call yesterday and the client said something to me that gave me pause. He said, "You have to be your own doctor. Keep in mind that half of all doctors graduated in the bottom 1/2 of their class." Holy crap.....he's right. That's good advice.

RETIREMENT PLANNING FOR 2008

If you had purchased $1000 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.

With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1000.

With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5 left.

If you had purchased $1000 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have$36 left.

But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have had $214.00. Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. It's called the 401-Keg Plan.

Emergency Room Part 2

Monday night I get home from work to discover that Barkley the Dog cannot get up. I roll him over to see what is up with him. He moans. He has this huge tumor looking thing on his chest. Todd is home about 5 mins after me and we make trip #2 in 1 week to the 24-hour emergency vet office. Sweet. They test the tumor....its a fatty tumor and it's not necessary to remove it today. We will only have to remove it if it causes him pain or makes it tough to walk. So why is he having trouble walking? He has hip dysplasia which we medicate when he flares up. After a myriad of tests and x-rays (can you hear the cash register knocking up the bill?) they diagnose that he must have taken some sort of fall to irritate his hip issues. They send us home with some pain pills and anti inflammatory meds.....and a bill of over $500. For those keeping track that's over $650 in the last week between Barkley and Sasha. Gulp. We give Barkley his meds and we all fall into bed. The next day Barkley is not eating and still won't get up. We call the vet. This continues all week. Keep giving him the medicine and he will get better. By Wednesday, Barkley won't climb the stairs and has to be carried outside to go pee. Yesterday Todd took the day off to see if we need to take Barkley back into the vet. He decided slept in a little. Barkley didn't get his normal pain meds first thing in the morning yesterday....and wouldn't you know it? Barkley comes running up the stairs to see Todd. WTF? We figured out that the PAIN MEDS were knocking him out so much that he was afraid to walk or climb stairs. We have pretty much eliminated the pain meds except for 1/2 a dose when he sleeps now. Our boy is back to being a full time tail-wagger and face licker. Whew.

Deck-a-licious

We used our wedding gift money to buy new dining room chairs and completely landscaped our backyard. We added So Real Lawn for our lawn. It's synthetic grass that is installed on a filtration system. Barkley the dog's pee killed any grass we could grow. This solves that problem. You scoop the poop and spray it down once a week with vingar and water....just like a douche! Ha. And part 2 of the backyard remodel was adding a deck. It's 15' x 8' and we freaking LOVE LOVE it. We bought a table that doubles as a fire pit for a fun fire on cooler evenings. It's awesome. Here's some pics. It's a glorious and rare rainy day today....bliss. Here are some before, mid-way and after pics. It's deck-a-licious.

Red Neck Weddings

Have you ever seen that reality show Red Neck Weddings? I can't say I have had the pleasure of seeing an episode of this train wreck but I have heard of it. After I started planning my own wedding I swore I would never rip on anyone's wedding ever again. Sorry. I have to comment on this one. First let me say that I know the groom. He was married to my best friend. When they were married I considered him a close friend. They were together for 10 years. He loved music, alt rock, techno and had a huge love for Elvis. He is a good looking man who dressed to a "T". He looked like he walked out of a hip Ralph Lauren magazine. Sometime after they divorced he freaking flipped out. Lost his f-ing mind. He became a freaking cowboy. I mean a COWboy....10-gallon hat, tight ass Wranglers, boots and all. I don't even recognize him anymore. He got remarried this past weekend. Good for him. But the pictures from his wedding DEMANDED a post from me with my comments....I just could NOT resist. OK. I don't need to say anything more but....hello...red neck wedding casting director....you missed a good episode. OH and.....If your wedding cake is a bad remake of a Jack Daniels bottle....you just MIGHT be a red neck.

Brilliant

I just heard something that I think is a brilliant idea. Tim Russert's family played his iPod for the music at his memorial service. How perfect is that? A perfect tribute to someone. I love going through people's iPod to see what they listen to. It's like looking through someones check book to see where they spend their money. Really tells you about someone. Brilliant!

Honeymoon

I have been slowly but surely writing the post of the honeymoon. I just finished Sunday - Tuesday....but it posted to early July. Scroll down to read about those days if you wish. More to come soon! xooxox

Emergency room

So on Friday night Todd and I are rushing around to get ready to head to a friend's house for dinner. I am in the spare room (where I have taken over that closet too) putting together my outfit for the evening. I notice that our cat Sasha has been in her litter box for a long time. She looks to be straining. I holler out to Todd that something is up with Sasha. I stop getting ready and watch her and start talking to her. She finishes and slowly walks out of the room. I realize something is not right. I follow her. She jumps up on our bed next to Todd. He rolls her over to give her belly some rubs and see what's up. Sasha's little body gets super rigid and shaky and her eyes are huge and look to be in shock. I FLIP! "We are going to the Vet. Call them and see if they are still open." Sasha continues to lay in the same position on her back and looks to be in the most pain of her life. I realize that I failed to do something very important when I moved into Todd's house.....come up with an emergency plan for our pets. Where do you take your pet when the vet's office is closed? At my condo I had a plan. I had a list of 4-5 24-hour vet emergency rooms....with phone numbers....vet's names (that had been researched)....and directions on how to get there. Let's keep in mind folks.....we now live in the MIDDLE of NOWHERE. I have to drive freaking 20 minutes for a freaking grocery store. I start getting really upset....saying something to the tune of, "When a person is hurt you call 911. What do you do for a pet when you live in the middle of nowhere? She is gonna die on this bed because I didn't make a plan." Todd...being the level headed one tells me to go get her carrier out of the garage and he will find a place for us to go. We hop in the car. I drive. Fast. To the emergency room vet. Sasha normally cries the whole time she is in the car. The car means 2 things to her. The vet or I am dropping her off somewhere to be watched. Both bad news for wee kitties. Her cries are getting really faint and I keep saying to Todd, "What is she doing? Are her eyes open?" "She's just laying here. Her eyes are open," he said. We get to the vet and the doctor takes a look at her. Now she is just really quiet and acting like she is ok with her head on my shoulder. Whew. The vet works her over and determines that Sasha has a bad bladder infection. The pain is overwhelming for her so that is why she had the shock episode. She gives me antibiotics & pain pills (where are the pain pills for the mamma?) and a $150 bill (I would have paid $500) and off we go. Now if you have ever had a bladder infection...the pain IS overwhelming. Feels like you have to pee 24 hours a day and when you DO pee.....oh boy....like glass is shooting out of you. Poor little girl. She is feeling better today. I have been putting some extra water in her tuna to help rehydrate her and have been giving her the medicine. She is back to bossing Barkley around and doesn't seem to be living in the litter box. They are right about what they say about pets being good training for parenthood. I will always have a plan.

Birthday

My dear hubby gave me the coolest birthday present. A black and gray TREK 4300 ASL mountain bike. It is sweeeeeet! I absolutely love it. I have been riding a crappy bike that I got from Sears 15 plus years ago that was painful to see and ride. The gears skipped and would make a nasty grinding noise. No more!

My birthday isn't for a couple more weeks....but he couldn't wait to give it to me. Plus, a bike is hard to hide.

Woo hoo! And the beauty of this is....I will probably get ANOTHER gift ON my birthday. All around...it's works out for me! :)

The Luckiest

We had a tough time finding just the right song for our first dance at the wedding. It had to be perfect. We have never broken up and gotten back together....and ironically most love songs talk about all of these trials and tribulations. It just isn't us. I am a huge Ben Folds Five fan...we agreed on the sweetest song by them....called "The Luckiest". Here are the lyrics.

I don't get many things right the first time
In fact, I am told that a lot
Now I know all the wrong turns, the stumbles and falls
Brought me here

And where was I before the day
That I first saw your lovely face?
Now I see it everyday

And I know
That
I am
I am
I am
The luckiest

What if I'd been born fifty years before you
In a house on a street where you lived?
Maybe I'd be outside as you passed on your bike
Would I know?

And in a white sea of eyes
I see one pair that I recognize

And I know
That
I am
I am
I am
The luckiest

I love you more than I have ever found a way to say to you

Next door there's an old man who lived to his nineties
And one day passed away in his sleep
And his wife; she stayed for a couple of days
And passed away

I'm sorry,
I know that's a strange way to tell you that I know we belong
That
I know
That
I am
I am
I am
The luckiest

Dang Dave

Did anyone catch Letterman last night? He was being such a prick to this poor guest who came on his show to do a segment on the latest hot toys. He was nit-picking her. Saying things like "oh great, it's $50 and it works 1/2 the time." It was brutal. She kept her wits about her....but I have no idea how. David Duchovney came on after him and gave Dave hell for being so mean to the toy lady....it was classic. I think David Duchovney is a douche bag...but he made me laugh last night. Poor toy lady.

Wedding Thank You Cards

.....hit the mail this morning. Holy crap what an ordeal. I made this so much more difficult than it needs to be. I bought these cool blue paper frame cards and put a picture of Todd and I holding a sign that reads "Thank You". The frame cards are 4 x 6 so there was a ton of space to fill up saying thank you. AND....we ordered photo stamps. OK. I wayyyy over did it. But they look fab....and I am proud of them. 8 weeks after the wedding isn't TOO late to get out your cards....is it?

Sex and The City

Cherill and I went to go see Sex and The City last weekend. No one warned me. No one. Not a single one of my friends warned me that I would bawl and cry...and then laugh through the tears. Not fair folks. I cried so hard at certain parts of the movie that I had my hands over my mouth and I was sobbing. The front of my shirt was soaked with tears. I haven't cried like that in years. It was intense. I couldn't talk during certain parts....just sure that I would make a noise that only dogs and dolphins could unstand "squweeek, squeeeeeak!" I love love love this movie. I am really enjoying dishing with other SATC fans about the movie. The creaters and writers of SATC are genius. I need to own this movie.

Da honeymoon

Sunday:

On Sunday after the wedding I checked the Internet to see how the weather was near our resort in Mexico. It had been raining for days and the forecast showed no end in sight. I tried to not let the possibility of bad weather ruin my great mood.

Monday:

We left for the honeymoon the next day....Monday after the wedding. Our flight to Mexico was nice. I didn't freak out on the flight (as I sometimes do) and we arrived in Cancun by 5 pm. We tipped a van driver and got a private van drive to our resort, Dreams Tulum, which was an hour and 1/2 south of Cancun. It was still raining and there were huge puddles of water everywhere. I asked everyone who would listen & spoke English when the rain was supposed to stop. No one gave me a straight answer...and no one seemed to know for sure. Dang. Once we arrived at the resort we unpacked and headed to go grab a bite to eat at Portofino the gorgeous Italian restaurant in the resort. We shared a fabulous bottle of wine and a wonderful meal. After dinner it was still raining but it wasn't gonna rain on our parade. We changed into our swimming suits and took a walk along the beach and then sat in the hot tub. Great start to our honeymoon.

Tuesday:

I get up at dawn to peek outside. Still raining. Dang. Went back to sleep. We got up a few hours later and put on our swim suits and grabbed our beach gear. We went and had a yummy breakfast and headed down to the beach. The food on this resort is out of this world. So fabulous. And the cool thing is....you don't have to make a reservation for any of the restaurants. You just walk in and they seat you. At breakfast I start chatting up this women who has on a Colorado Rockies t-shirt. She and her husband had gotten married the weekend before us and has had rain for all but 2 days of her f7 day honeymoon. They were leaving today at 12 noon to go home. That totally sucks for them....and I start worrying that the same thing will happen to us. So we are at the beach. I put sunscreen on....so does Todd. It's overcast but still warm. We play in the water and relax until about lunch time. We go enjoy a great lunch and....the SUN COMES OUT. The clouds burn off and it's gorgeous out. It was 85 and sunny the rest of the trip. Hell and yes! We head back to the pool for some umbrella drinks and relaxation. After a while we wonder into the lobby to book our excursions. We had registered for excursions at the resorts for wedding guests to get for us (Todd's sister's idea). We had received a round of golf, golf range balls, a sunset lobster cruise (sweet) and an ATV tour on the beach. After seeing the other options for excursions we decided to use our gift money to go deep sea fishing and to go to XELHA, a snorkeling paradise. We had seen another ATV tour on our way to the resort. It looked hot and disgusting and everyone was wearing oxygen masks over their faces to protect them from dust and sand. The lobster cruise looked cheap and cheesy...and they didn't serve the lobster ON the ship. Anyway so we booked the trip to XELHA for Thursday and deep sea fishing trip for Saturday. After booking the stuff we explore around the resort and then head back to the room for a nap. We decide to go to the Sushi restaurant for dinner. We get a huge bottle of Saki and many orders of Sushi. We meet another honeymooning couple and start chatting with them. They are from the south and had a huge wedding....450 guests. WTF? She is a southern belle with long brown hair and a small frame. He is a loud guy with a big body who smokes a ton of cigars. This picture was taken by our new couple friends. After dinner the 4 of us head to the bar on the beach to have cocktails. I chat with the gal. She is a sweet girl who was 100% a bride-zilla. She had 10 bridesmaids. She made all 10 buy 2...yes 2 dresses WITH I might add the matching shoes, purse and jewelry. One dress for the ceremony. One dress for the reception. She about DIED when I told her that I gave my bridesmaids a blue paint swatch and asked them to buy a dress they liked as close to this color as they could get. She told her husband what I had did and he said, "well I bet her bridesmaids still LIKE her after the wedding." We all had a good laugh. She wasn't someone I would be friends with at home...but I was in paradise with my husband and she was fun to chat with. We made plans to get together for drinks another night. I told Todd I didn't want to spend our honeymoon with another couple....he agreed.

The rest of the week to come soon.....

My breakup with Jack

I broke up with Jack in January of 2007. My dear beloved Jack was so fun...I loved his friends and loved his personality. No. He was not a boyfriend. He was not my lover. He was my profession...and kinda my obsession. I am proud to say that I was part of the first JACK FM radio station in the USA. Soon after our launch of our JACK FM in 2004....over 500 JACK FM stations and other imitations popped up all over the USA. Imitation is the most sincere form of flattery. We were all flattered. It was a time of creative meetings. Amazing ideas. Love for RADIO. True radio. For 2 years....life was blissful. Then things changed. A new sheriff was in town....this sheriff thought he knew radio. Ahem. I think not. All of our funny and irreverent promos were taken off the air. The deejays were taken off the air...and we were left with a jukebox radio station. All the the fun was gone. Much to my chagrin.....it was time to break up with Jack. I didn't recognize the Jack I fell in love with anymore. I was heart broken. When I left, I felt like I was leaving my helpless small child in the parking lot....all alone. Would anyone love Jack as I did?

Now... years later, I find myself listening to JACK FM to see if anyone loves this station as I did. As I listen I often get jealous. Someone does love Jack again. I hear those old promos that we all worked so hard to create. Or didn't work at all to create....because the attitude and fun was so natural at the time.....they practically wrote themselves. When I hear the old promos we wrote, I get a metallic taste in my mouth and furrow my brow. I am jealous. I miss the fun. I miss that time. Jack was at the top of his game. We will never get back together again. And he will never get back to the place we were all those years ago. But it was fun to be a part of the ride up. Thanks for the memories Jack. I will miss you.

Wedding Pics

OK...if you would like to see our wedding photos...here you go www.denver.instaproofs.com. We have a ton more....particulary of our guests....but this will give you the basics. Enjoy!

Alligator tears

Every Morning this week I have had to do my make up twice because without fail the Today Show does a story on the passing of Tim Russert right after I put on my makeup . I just HEAR his son Luke's voice start to talk about this Dad....and alligator tears are streaming down my face. Same thing today....need to go wash my face and start over. I am so touched by the love this man gave to everyone he met...truly inspiring.

Pictures soon....

I promise

WEDDING DAY

7:00 am
Much to the chagrin of Todd, I woke up at 7 am. "IT'S OUR WEDDING DAY" WEEEEEE! I am a total dork. I put on my veil and danced around the house. Todd laughs at me. Kisses my forehead....goes back to sleep. I decide I must surf the Internet.

9:00 am
Weeks ago, Todd and I decided to instead of giving each other wedding gifts...that we would exchange cards and do something special together on the honeymoon....like go to the spa. The card that Todd gave me dwarfed my card by 10-fold. It was so perfect.....amazing! I have no idea where he found a card that perfect....he rocks the casba.

11:00 am
Cherill came to pick me up to go to the salon for manicures and pedicures. I gave all of my bridesmaids and my mom pedis and manis as a gift. We went to Salon at Hair Technology in Westminster. Bliss. Cherill brought snacks and vodka lemonade drinks. Extra blissy.
We spent the day at the salon (I will post pictures later).

4:00 pm
I got my hair done.

4:45 pm
After the hair was done and the veil as on.....we headed to the wedding venue.

5:15 pm
We got to the venue to see my parents unloading the boxes of stuff we had given them. Guest favors. My dress. Guest book & pen. Unity Sand.. You know...the goods. The cake company (Child's Bakery was bringing OUT a cake that they had set up for us. It was the WRONG cake....and way ugly if I may say so myself. Lucky for us...they had the right cake in the van. Whew.

At 5:30 pm....make up starts.....and the steady stream of people with 500 questions begins. "Hi, I don't mean to bother you Emily, but we have guests here.... can we open the bar?" (HELL AND YES YOU CAN) "Hi, Emily, I don't mean to bother you, but we can't find the Unity Sand, what should we do?" FIND IT. IF NOT, TAKE IT OUT OF THE CEREMONY. "Hi Emily, I am so sorry to bother you, we have tested all of the music and all is fine." COOL THANKS. "Hi Emily, sorry to bother you, since we have guests here, should we start playing music?" YES PLEASE, PLEASE PLAY THE CD I GAVE YOU." "Hi Emily, we found the Unity Sand, do you still want it in the ceremony?" YES PLEASE.....THANK YOU. A myriad of questions much like this continued until I stopped them and asked them to find Todd....he is the master of ceremonies now. And....he handled the deal like a champ.

6:00 pm
My mom is helping me into my dress.

6:20 pm
Laughing, clinking champagne glasses with my mom and bridesmaids

6:25 pm
Bridesmaids & my mom are called out to stage

6:26 pm
I am standing in the bride's room....all...alone. I fix my veil. I start pacing.

6:30 pm
I hear the processional music start (Jesu, The Joy of a Man's Desiring). I grab my cell phone and call my Grandma A (who couldn't be at the wedding because of a back injury) and call her. I tell her that I am about to walk down the aisle to marry Todd.....she cries....so much I can barely understand her.

6:35 pm
Wedding coordinator tells me...."It's time!" I grab my bouquet and head to the hallway. My dad is standing there waiting for me...looking fab in his tux. I grab his arm. Smile up at him. Try not to cry. He gives me a squeeze. Tells me I look beautiful. He starts to walk. I stop him. We pause. Wait for the music to change to the bride's processional music (Canon in D). We start down the aisle. My dress had a crazy long train. Our wedding coordinator's assistant is trying to move my train and steps on it. RIIIIPPPPP. Loud noise. Huge tearing noise. My dad says, "Oh (insert bad word here). As I am about to walk down the aisle.....my dress rips. Coordinator freaks!!!!! I say..."No big deal....but is my ass hanging out the back of the dress?" She tells me no. We continue down the aisle....laughing. The pictures are great. (I will post them later)

The rest of the wedding happened. All the usual stuff.

Finally I ask...."what time is it?" It felt like it was 8:30 pm. It was 10:15 pm. Holy crap. How did the whole day go by so fast?

11:00 pm
Town car arrives to drive us to The Jet hotel in downtown. We had the honeymoon suite....what a fabulous place.

.....the rest is history.....

Friday, May 30th - Day before the WEDDING

I got up at 7 am. Ok. I am on vacation for 2 weeks and I keep getting up earlier than I would for work. I squeal "It's the day of our rehearsal dinner! Weeeeee!" Todd laughs at me. Busy work. Pace. Pace. Pace around the house. Vacuum. Vacuum. Keeping busy. Finally..... I hop in the shower. Shave. Head to Zuri Spa in Cherry Creek for a Pumpkin Skin Treatment. Oh my GOD! I loved this treatment. Basically they exfoliate your whole body then paste a pumpkin treatment on your body and wrap you in foil....then you take a hot shower....and she puts lotion all over your body. My skin was so soft and wonderful....it was amazing. She put some on my face and gave me a facial.....my skin was super smooth. I am 100% addicted to this deal at Zuri.

The rehearsal dinner is a blur. We were late. Sweet. (Thanks Todd....kiss) So many people. So many hugs. So many pictures. I didn't have enough to eat. People kept putting cocktails in my hand. Poof. The night was over and Todd and I were in the car driving home.....shaking our heads....wow...it's already over. I wore this fabulous dress. Strapless party dress. White. Tool material over the top with black roses embroidered on the tool. Gorgeous. Fabulous shoes. I wore a party dress to a pizza party...but it was our party....and I wore what I wanted to. FUN!

Dear Diary,

I am going to post a day by day recap of the days before the wedding, the wedding & the honeymoon....for me. I want to be able to remember as much as possible. These posts are for me...but you may read along if you wish.

These things happen in 3's....right?

OK. Please tell me that these things happen in 3's. To start off....Todd's best friend and best man in the wedding Rog had a death in the family. Rog lives in California....and came out last weekend to host Todd's bachelor party. Yesterday he was taking his Dad to the doctor because he has not been feeling well....and he had a heart attack and soooo horribly died in the garage of their house. I am freaking freaking freaking out. How sad. I have tears streaming down my face.....how horrible. The ONLY saving grace is that Rog was HERE and got to spend several days with his dad (since he lives in California).

Now....my grandma A can't come to the wedding. She strained her back and is in so much pain she can't walk. She was crying on the phone with me today about how sad she is to miss the wedding. I will call her moments before I walk down the aisle to tell her I am thinking of her.

And....one of Todd's other groomsmen spent yesterday in the hospital. Come to find out he had a kidney stone.

Someone.

Tell me.

These things happen in 3's.

I can't take any more.

Update on the Bachlorette Party

I loved it. Started with lunch at Beau Joe's Pizza in Idaho Springs. Then to the hot springs and spa. I admit, I was a little freaked out about the naked part of the spa day...in the hot springs. But it was not weird at all...it was like changing at the gym. Not weird at all. First...I was with my bestest friends. Second...it was dark and everyone had a huge sheet to wear while walking around. Of course the ones who should NOT walk around totally naked without their sheets....did. But who cares? (shrug) It was a wonderfully relaxing day. We all got massages...and I was so relaxed I did that snort-breathe-in noise....like when you are 1/2 asleep and start to wake up...snort snort....mouth breather. It was funny. I had a blast and my girls made me feel super duper special. Hugs!

Top 5 Friendliest City

Denver is one of the Top 4 Friendliest City per The Today Show. I have to agree.

....see watching The Today Show and blogging on a weekday at 9 am is so nice.

I'm Free

I have that song that goes like "I'm FREE to do what I want...any ol' time...cuz I'm FREE!" Don't know who sings it (besides me) but I love it. Picture me dancing around my house pumping my fist in the air like a total dork. But....I AM free. I worked my ass off and got all of my stuff done on my exit book for MOD until late last night..and now I am free. I have 2 freaking weeks off. I have never had 2 weeks off from work....ever. I am so excited. I start my new gig in radio on June 11th. So excited. Here's the irony of the first day of my vacation. I got up at 7 am. WTF? Oh yes....I did. I have stuff-to-do. Stuff for ME. Today I am getting a high light and hair cut. Bliss. Then picking up my wedding dress. Love it. Then going to get waxed. Ouch. But necessary. Then to tan and run some errands. Weeeeee!

...."Cuz I am FREE...to do what I want....any ol' time.....I am free!" :)

Sex AND the City

I am a huge fan of Sex and the City. Love it. I am gonna try to see the movie on Friday before the rehearsal dinner. Can't wait. The media coverage on the movie has been frustrating me. Well...ok...two things are frustrating me. 1. Every time I see a movie trailer or hear an interview...I learn more than I want to about the plot. Save SOMETHING as a surprise folks. 2. I am sick and tired...tired and sick of hearing dee jays and tv hosts say..."Sex IN the City"...not "Sex AND the City"....makes me crazy.

ONE week from today....

.... is our wedding day. Friends and family are starting to arrive in town. Wowsa. I am so happy.

On the map

Our little part of the world is finally on the map. We have a Starbucks 2 miles from our house. I mean if Starbucks has noticed our little part of town...we must be important. I don't necessarily love Starbucks...I could take it or leave it...but the symbolism of its presence in my neighborhood means tons to me.

I find entertainment in giving Todd constant updates on the other businesses opening up around us. Last fall tractors started breaking ground on something down the street from our house. Literally less than 1 mile away. I was in heaven. Every time I drove by that place I would say, "All I want is a yoga studio, nail place, a liquor store, small convenience store, gas station, mexican restaurant and sports bar. Make it SO! POOF!" I am not THAT demanding. Anyway. A few months ago...a liquor store opened. Sweet. Then, a Dominos Pizza. Nice. Just this week, a Chinese Restaurant AND a Dry Cleaners. Woo hoo! (Pumping my fist in the air) AND...there is a new sign up that reads "Elite Nails". OH MY! There are still 5 empty businesses to be filled....there's still hope for my yoga studio, sports bar and mexican restaurant. We had chinese food last night...that place was packed...standing room only. I love it.

Genius

My future husband is a genius. Last night I was painting my nails. I handed him a bottle of polish that was being a booger to open. He tried and tried to open it. No luck. He stands up and starts pacing around the kitchen opening drawers...closing drawers.....opening drawers...closing drawers. Then the A-ha moment! He raised in the air the rubbery end of our turkey baster like a trophy. He put the top of the polish bottle inside the turkey baster hole...twists...victory! He opened my polish! He's a genius and should market that idea. Just gotta love that guy.

Water Works

I am too loyal of an employee. I worked my ass off yesterday at my OLD job until 6:30...office closed at 12 noon. And to add insult to injury, I was total water works all day yesterday too...crying every time I told someone I was leaving. I was baffled by the tears. I am so NOT a crier. I am so NOT sad I am leaving. I am so NOT going to miss anyone there. So what is up with all the boo hoo's? I figured it out last night (as I laid in bed wide awake excited that the wedding is one week away...and more importantly...the honeymoon is one week and 2 days away)...I think I was crying because that job BEAT me. It beat me down...and I don't like to lose. l basically had to quit. ...or it was going to kill me. Silly??? Hell and yes it is....but that has got to be it. Oh well. Shrug.

Letting the cat out of the bag

I am gonna let the cat out of the bag before the "official" announcement this Tuesday. I am leaving MOD for a General Sales Manager position with KEZW. I am so pumped. I can picture a few of my friends rubbing their eyes and looking back at the screen...What? Did I read that right? Emily is going into SALES? To the DARK side? :) Yup. It's true...and I can't freaking wait. Isn't it just like me to do 5 million BIG things all at once? Get married. Go on a honeymoon. Get a new job. Ah...such is my life.

Somebody tell me WHY

Somebody tell me WHY the f-ing Osmonds are EVERYWHERE? How did that happen... really? For 25 years...nuttin...thankfully. I didn't have to see an Osmond on TV for 25 years. Now, I can't watch any gossip or entertainment show without some piece on the Osmonds. Their new tour. Marie has lost weight. Donny sings "Puppy Love" to homeless pets. Marie is moving on after her divorce. Marie's son is a good person...even though he's a drug addict. Pleeeaaasse make it stop. I can't figure out what is so interesting about these crazy Mormons??? Humpf.

Money Tree

Todd had one plant when I met him. Slowly but surely it started to die. I would water it when I was there...but to no avail. I thought it was odd that he was working so hard to save this plant when he realized it wasn't doing well. All of the leaves fell off...and in a pot...stood...a single stick....just a stick. He watered it and loved on that plant until it came back....now it's a huge plant. One single stick and at the top....a huge sprout of leaves. I recently pointed out a similar plant in my friend's office saying, "we have one of those plants." My friend told me that it was a MONEY plant. I went home that night and said, "Amy has one of those plants too...it's a money plant." Todd said, "See! That is why I worked so hard to save that plant...you can't let a MONEY plant die!" Amen....Amen.

Teak

I had never heard of Teak wood before. Todd's family owned a furniture store for 25 years...so he knows a ton about great furniture. Todd found a listing on Craig's list from a woman who was selling all of her furniture. She had an interesting list of goods...so last Saturday...we rented a cargo van and went to her house to shop.

Gorgeous stuff...for very inexpensive. We got $1,500 under worth of goods (per Scandinavian Designs website) for $400. Sweet. I am a new fan of Teak. We are going back this Saturday for the sweet solid teak coffee table...for $150.

I think its funny that Barkley keeps getting in all the pictures.

Ignore the ugly chair in front of the new desk....need to find a new one...but this one will do.

Frank Sinatra Jr

This morning on the Today Show, Meredith interviewed Nancy and Frank Sinatra Jr. Well....Jr. was in a very bad mood....and was downright nasty to poor Meredith. She was trying to include Mr. Grumpy Pants in the interview...but he was not interested. I laughed.

Carly Simon reads my blog

Well...Carly Simon must read my blog. I got a comment on my post "Carly You Suck". Funny.

Fraud protection

I was at Kmart yesterday purchasing $1,300 in gift cards for work. I swipe one card. Declined. Sweet. I swipe a 2nd card...and now the clerk is looking at me weird and calling over managers. Sweet. Kmart is one of our national sponsors...and if some who-ha happens with me or my credit card...or whatever....let me assure you....the story will be told all the way up to our national office. It just works that way with them. So. Sweat starts pouring from my head and I start thinking, "dang, I know I paid my bill...I know I have the credit line to pay for these...what in the HELL is going on here?" Then seconds later, my cell phone blows up...I have 2 incoming calls. I pick up #1...its the fraud department of card #1. I listen to the voicemail from the 2nd call...it's the fraud department from card #2. I am sooooo happy for the protection...but dang. We got a call at 8 am this morning (yes on a Saturday) from card #1 to verify my attempt to use the card....yet AGAIN. And...I just spent 20 minutes on line with card #2 clearing that up (after spending 45 minutes on hold yesterday trying to clear it up). Again...love the protection....but lesson learned is that if you are going to make a big purchase at a Kmart....call your cards and alert them....because no one ever spends that kind of cash at Kmart. I know MY purchasing history doesn't include 'em.

Rehersal dinner

Our rehearsal dinner is causing a load of drama on my side of the family. Now help me out here folks....a rehearsal dinner is traditionally attended by.....the bride & groom (duh), their immediate family, the wedding party and out of town guests. OK. My aunt (who is A. not in my immediate family. B. not in the wedding party. And C. not an out of town guest) is PISSSSSED OFFF that she is not invited to the rehearsal dinner. So pissed in fact that she made some shitty excuse as to why she won't host Mother's Day at her house this year. Good freaking lord. And to add insult to injury....she threw a fit (to my Grandma not to me or my mom) that I hadn't invited her freaking high school exchange student to the wedding. WTF? I have met this kid twice. But apparently she is pissed because "He is part of our family." Your family maybe...but come on. SOOOO...I hear she is pissed....I pick up the phone....I call her. I tell her that we are too close to each other for her not to call me about this before it got blown out of proportion. I invited the freaking exchange student and asked that she call me if something else is not being handled the way she wants. Now this. Now she is pissed again about the rehearsal dinner. Did she call me? Eh. No. She was sure to tell my anyone in my family who will listen...but me, my mom or my dad. Whatever. I have been a bridesmaid 14 times....so I have been around my share of weddings. And there is always ONE (or 12) who have to make issue of everything. I guess she is my one. I am most bummed that she didn't call me....I thought we were closer.

Bachelorette party

Today is my bachelorette party. Me and my girls are going up in the mountains to a spa to soak in the hot springs and get massages and a myriad of other spa treatments. Very excited....need the relaxation and recharge. The one part of the day that the jury is still out on whether or not I will like this....is that the soak in the springs is apparently a naked one. Wha? I found that out about the nakedness after this was booked and the invite had gone out to the girls. It will be a new experience....so I love that...love new experiences. I have to keep an open mind.

3 weeks from today

.....is our wedding day.

Carly you suck

I laughed out loud at the performance of Carly Simon on Leno. It was hoorrrific! She was way off key and the song really truly sucked. Now, I can't carry a tune in a bucket... I know that. But then again...I am not on Leno squawking like a duck either. It was nuts. Most of her band starred at the ground in front of them and none of them looked like they were having a good time. I hope her family is honest with her about her performance....because I am sure the critics will be.

From my window

From my window just now I watched as a bride, the mother of the bride, 2 bridesmaids and a flower girl all loaded into their car to drive to her wedding. They live directly across the street. I got this weird knot in my stomach. She was a beautiful bride....how exciting.

Honeymoon

Todd's sisters suggested we register for stuff at the resort at which we are enjoying our honeymoon. So...we did. Weeeeee! So far we have gotten a "lobster cruise" and an "ATV tour". Yay! The lobster cruise is a lobster dinner on a ship at sunset. Bliss. How romantic. And the ATV tour is where we ride ATVs along the beach to a remote location for swimming, sunning and snorkeling. It includes a picnic lunch. Holy smokes....doesn't that sound F-U-N?

Wind

I am sorry. When did I move to a state that was this windy? I am sick and tired. Tired and SICK. Of the WIND! Hate it. When did Colorado become such a windy state? It sucks.

The wedding is....

28 days away. Ahhhh....bliss.

Leave it to me

I am going to share an email thread with you that was scary and shocking to me. I will remove the names to protect the innocent.

It started with an email from a friend to a list of her friends. It included a link to vote for her daughter's video to win a contest to be featured as one of Obama's tv commercials.

"Please vote! Elizabeth worked on this video, and no matter what your political choices are, this is just about the video and not a vote for Obama. Since Obama has the bucks to buy TV, at least let him use my daughter's video!"

Next, comment from an email recipient:

It's not just about the video. It's also about Obama's association with that poisonous racist "Reverend" Wright and that Ayers character who tried to kill some of my fellow soldiers at Ft. Dix but is now a tenured professor. Maybe you should have your daughter make a video about the lives that we save everyday in Iraq, about the security we provide for the hospitals and schools and market places and freely elected leaders of Iraq. Maybe she could make a documentary about the Al Qaeda torture houses that we still find, or about the way US prisoners are treated. They are tortured, murdered, mutilated, dismembered and then booby trapped. Where is the hue and cry from Amnesty International when that happens? I don't see the ACLU complaining about those Geneva Convention violations.When Obama pulls us out of Iraq it will be the most ignominious betrayal of the military ever, let alone the mind-numbing sacrifices that the Iraqis have made for their self-determination. I pray to God every day John McCain is elected.Please feel free to contact me if you have any questions.

Then a myriad of email comments from the peanut gallery. Keep in mind. Reply all. To many many people.

Actually, this IS about the video Karen’s daughter helped to make, and not about anyone’s beliefs.

As a die hard Obama supporter I would appreciate you not emailing me further on this topic, especially since I have no idea who you are. Besides, Karen clearly stated she was looking to support her daughter, not start an angry political debate.

I kinda agree.

The crazy guy has a response:

Again, this email came to me entirely unsolicited. Again, it really doesn't surprise me to know that the story of our sacrifice falls on deaf ears. The plain truth is that Obama is going stab in the back every one of us who has put their lives on the line. By the way, you are welcome for our military service. Have fun supporting the racist, radical, anti-military Left.

Then...I had to comment.

Anyone who knows me knows that I wouldn't be able to let this go. Ahem. Here we go.

Let me first apologize for the reply all. But I feel that everyone needs to have the opportunity see my comments. If you choose to read on...do...or delete.

Dear (insert crazy man's name here),

Sir, I have never met you, however, your horrible anger scares me. You carry a gun? Wow. Your short temper should be addressed professionally.

IF you actually READ our dear sweet Karen's email she is beaming with pride for her daughter Elizabeth who has had aspirations of working in film since I have known her. You go Lizzie...I am proud of you. I don't like Coke products, but if Lizzie made a commercial for Coke....I wouldn't FLIP out. Pleeeassse turn your energy into something more productive. I hear they are taking applications for protesters at the DNC in August.

Warm Wishes,
Emily

To which crazy replied:

I'm sorry if the response offended you. Maybe you are right insofar as I over-reacted. But this email came to me unsolicited and is of a highly political nature. It isn't neutral. You can't expect people not to react. And yes, I agree that sending political messages to people's work emails is inappropriate. I do apologize. No disrespect to Lizzie, but this is heavy duty stuff we are dealing with. In all of the emails I have gotten back, not one has in any way deal substantively with the issues I have brought up. I'm not angry. I'm not crazy. But I do serve with people who have paid a heavy price for helping the people of Iraq determine their own future, something you seem to be oblivious to. When Obama talks about leaving Iraq in 60 days it means people that we know over there will get killed, period, Iraqi and American. Doctors, teachers, elected leaders, tribal leaders, police, and yes, American soldiers. In short, anyone who is trying to make progress in Iraq. It really is very personal. And the fact that you would compare me with the crazies that are invading my beautiful city this summer for the DNC (I grew up in Capitol Hill)...It's so far off base I just don't know what to say. I would only ask that you confront what I have said with intellectual honesty. I graduated with honors from Colorado College in 1991. My Senior Thesis was an anti-war study of the Gulf War in 1990-91. My senior advisor was Jeff Livesay, who was a founding member of SDS (hard left anti-war organization) at Harvard during Viet Nam.I will listen to any arguments you might have and give them careful consideration.

Respectfully,
Crazy guy

I won't bore you with the rest of the gross details. But I will tell you this. This guy has never served a minute in Iraq. Quit his job last year and went to boot camp leaving behind a wife and 2 small kids with little or no way to support themselves. Is back from boot camp. NO job. Not serving in the army for whatever reason (probably because he's coo coo for cocoa puffs). And for the record...the original email from my friend about her daughter's work...was sent to his wife's email...not to him. He checked her email without her approval. Freak-a-zoid.

Fog

I am coming out of the fog. The fog that was created by 17 hour work days. Sad. I wish I was joking. I need a new job...and am actively working to get there. For around 3 weeks I was starting my day at 8:15 am...then working straight until about 1:15 am. No shit. I am not proud of this. Just a fact. I am back...and have some things to post. Stay tuned.

Wedding Invites are OUT

Well....it was a labor of love....but our wedding invites hit the mail last week. I think they are gorgeous. We worked really hard on them....and just love 'em.

Polygamists

Ok. Unless you have been living under a rock, you have seen coverage of the women from the polygamist sect that was taken over in Texas. Good. Freaking. Lord. Every single one of the people I have seen on tv look (and probably are) in-bred. Scary. Have you ever seen a puppy from a bad puppy farm? They have this dumb deer-in-the-head-lights look all of the time. They are lovable...yes. But you can see the stupid in their eyes. Just straight up stooooopid. I see the SAME thing in the eyes of all of the people this polygamist sect as put forward as their "media reps"....the ones to speak to the media. Which by the way...has been only women until today. Wowsa. I am scared to see the ugly people they didn't want us to see.

....heard from somewhere in Texas...."get off me pa...you're squishing my cigarettes." Ewh.

Roadside Memorials

I get a twinge in my stomach every time I see one of those roadside memorials. Generally, it's a cross with flowers and pictures....on the side of the road....in memorial of someone who died in a car accident near that location. For whatever reason, there are a ton over by my house. On my way to work I see about 8 along this one 2 lane highway...it sucks. I am amazed how often there are fresh flowers at the memorials. Some of them are even decorated for holidays. Makes me incredibly sad....and it also makes me drive safer and slower. I lost a good friend when I was 25 years old. He died along a 2 lane highway in a tragic accident. I wonder if someone keeps up a roadside memorial for Mikie?

Bird

Todd and I went and met with our wedding photographer tonight. He's a cool guy and the meeting was awesome. We are driving home and WHAMO. A huge ass red-breasted robin was hit by the truck next to me then slammed into the left front bumper of my car...then slid up my windshield and on to my roof. The poor bird got stuck on my luggage rack. Dear Lord. It was flipping around on my roof as I drove...FLIP FLIP FLIP....stuck under the luggage rack....and giving off white feathers that flew off behind my car like smoke from the exhaust. I was freaking. Drivers in other cars were pointing at the freaking bird on top of my car. I KNOW. I KNOW it's up there you dummies. Todd is in the car behind me and I hit my brakes and he pulls along side and my car. I am distraught. He calls me and says we will pull over on one of the dirt roads by our house and get him off and bury him. We do. He was dead...thankfully....when we pulled over. He took the snow scraper and got him out from under the luggage rack. Honestly. What would I have done without him? You know what? I know EXACTLY what I would have done. Drove straight to my dad's house and had HIM take that bird off of my roof. Ewh. We buried the robin up and said a prayer.

Two months from today

.....Todd and I will be basking in the sun at our honeymoon resort. We are going to Dreams Tulum in Mexico. Seven days and seven nights of bliss. All inclusive. Alll good. We are in a deluxe suite with an ocean view. Can't-freaking-wait. Can't-freaking-wait. Heaven...here we come. :)

Emily's galore

So. Much to the chagrin of my future mother in law, we only registered at Crate & Barrel. So. We decided to register at another place....Bed, Bath & Beyond. We go in and set up this registry. When I went back in to check on the registry....there are 7 girls with the same first AND last name as me getting married around the same time as me. WTF? Seven other women with the same name as me are getting married around the same time???? Nutty huh? I had to laugh. I almost feel robbed in some way. I guess I had no idea so many people have the same name as me. It's MY name. Weird. And...these same name girls are getting married around the same time as me. Do these future brides mourn the name change like I am? I love my name. I am my name...had this name for 35 years. I soooo want to take Todd's name. Just a little weird. I wonder if the other girls with my same full name think the same thing. Humpf.

Little Joey

I love a good joke. My dad sent me this one. (Blushing)

A little Italian boy enters the confessional. "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl." The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?" "Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the girl you were with?" "I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say." "Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?" "I'll never tell." "Was it Nina Capelli?" "I'm sorry, but I cannot name her." "Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?" "Please, Father, I cannot tell you." The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?" "Four months vacation and five good leads!"

emilyintheBURBS

I worked downtown for 8 years. I lived in/near downtown for 12 of those years. I have always considered myself a city girl. I have used the email address emilyintheCITY for so many years....I don't even remember how many.

I had to laugh yesterday. I had to give a speech to a group of travel agents in the same building downtown that I worked in for many years....the building I worked at the oldies station in. It had been a long time since I had been downtown. I parked at a meter and took the escalator up to the building. I remembered that when I worked there...I always laughed at the fact that people sleep in the chairs in the lobby of this building. I have never seen people sleep in chairs anywhere except at this building (ok...maybe at the airport...but c'mon). I giggled when I walked in and saw 3 people sleeping in the chairs of the lobby at 3 pm in the afternoon. I went upstairs...gave my speech...then headed back to my car. I have 100% become emilyintheBURBS....losing the CITY part of my name. I used to walk the streets of downtown every day and not even notice the people around me. Oh boy. I noticed the people yesterday. I saw drug deals. I saw people with crazy hair. I noticed the homeless. I noticed the mall rats. I noticed so much that I was so immune to because I saw it everyday in the past. I think it was good for me to actually LOOK at the world around me. I am so not a city girl anymore. I like where I live. I love where I am in my life.

How is Kim Kardassian famous?

Once in a while I will watch "Keeping Up with The Kardassians". It's mind candy. Trashy tv. It's a different version of "The Osbornes" show...which I love too. Anyway. They follow around this family...the dad is Bruce Jenner...and his wife is the widow of the lawyer from the OJ Simpson trial. Sadly he passed away...and she remarried Bruce Jenner. Anyway. She has 5 girls with her first husband. And Bruce and this lady have one boy together. OK. So...I was watching today and one of the daughters, Kim, was walking around her living room talking about how famous she is and how she is the #1 person googled that week...and how everyone loves her...blah blah blah. I look at Todd and ask, "how is Kim Kardassian famous?" Todd says, "porn". HUH? OK. So I do exactly what she was bragging about....I google her. Here's what I found. She's famous because she made some sex tape with some rapper. Shrug. She is awfully full of herself to self proclaim to be famous because she knows how to turn on a cam-corder. Funny. I bet the only reason she is #1 in the google search is because everyone else is wondering how this delusional bizzo is famous too. Ha.

Pop Fiction

I was watching tv this morning and caught a new show called Pop Fiction. Can you say TiVo season pass? Click click. Done. I LOVE this show. I think it's a cross between Punked & The Actor's Studio & Candid Camera. Basically stars who are typically followed by the paparazzi and plastered all over the tabloids... play a joke on the paparazzi and the gossip crazed public by staging and faking a story for the tabloids. This episode had Paris Hilton and Avril Lavine. Paris' spoof was that she drove all over town with this guy with a long gray beard wearing long robe & carrying a book. Within minutes all over the internet and tv gossip shows was that Paris was changing her religion. Funny. Avril Lavine's joke was that she was pregnant. Good one...since I can't go to the grocery store and wait at the checkout stand which is littered with magazines and NOT see a story about a rumor that some star is pregnant. Anyway. She put on a suit to give her a very small "belly bump" and she and her boyfriend went into 2 baby stores. Again. Within minutes it was all over the internet complete with tons of pictures. Avril is pregnant. Sweet. Each segment is ended with the star saying....the next time you hear about a story on tv or on the internet....please think for a second....is this TRUE? Or is it....POP FICTION? Good work. I love it.

Jaxon

Cherill had her baby on Monday evening. His name is Jaxon...and he is a cutie. Full head of dark hair and just the sweetest face. Congrats sugar! I will post pictures soon.

New Target undies

I bought some new undies at Target. I usually buy 'em at a lingerie store in a mall but since we live in BFE I shop at Target a ton now...it's only a few miles away. SO I was buying a few new bras and these undies matched the bras. Let me tell you this. I freaking LOVE LOVE LOVE these undies. They fit so well and are so pretty. And I got 6 of them for 8 bucks. Yup. For years I have been spending at least $5 for each pair. No more. I am going back later today to go buy more of them. I am hooked. There is nothing better than a great pair of underware. And if you are laughing and rolling your eyes right now...my friend. You don't have good underware. You just can't understand.

Oh no Dr. Laura

I can't stand Dr. Laura, Dr. Phil or any of those blowhard idiots out making millions giving misguided advice to the masses. I can usually steer clear of these people because I don't listen to them on the radio and I refuse to watch their tv shows. However, last week Dr. Laura was on my favorite morning show...the Today Show. I was half listening because they were talking about the governor who cheated on his wife with the hooker. Not interested in that story at all. But here's when my interest level changed. Dr. Laura was saying that men cheat on their wives because the wife didn't give him what he needed. Wha? The wife wasn't feeding the marriage enough. She wasn't even referring to this particular sad story...she was making a general sweeping statement that men cheat because their wives must not be satisfying them. She's a freak. I am sure that some men DO cheat because of that reason. But to make such a ridiculous all encompassing statement is flabbergasting. I do understand that people like her make these kinds of shocking statements for exactly that...the shock factor. And LOVE for people to talk about her. I am sure of it. So I won't perpetuate her desires anymore by giving even one more word or thought about her. Poof. Be gone crazy lady.

Addicted

I am addicted to Ebay. I am wondering if I will ever buy certain items in a store ever again. I have purchased a Treo smart-phone and all of the accessories including a blue tooth headset, case and car charger...for 1/4 the retail price. NEW. I bought my favorite bottle of perfume, for 1/2 price. I found the EXACT wedding veil I wanted for $15....they were charging me $250 at the store. WTF? I have found so many things...at an awesome deal. I have no idea if I will ever shop in a mall ever again. Plus, I am so competitive I love the auctions. Love them. Plus, how fun is it to come home and have GOOD mail. A box or something other than a bill to open. Bliss.

The wedding planning is coming along so wonderfully. I had my first dress fitting on Saturday. It was crazy to see the dress all pinned and hemmed to fit me. I love my dress. It is elegant and pretty. Love it. Todd and I worked on our wedding budget today. We are 100% on track to pay for every piece of the wedding before we walk down the aisle. Thanks to our parents and some good planning. Whew. We are going to taste cake next Saturday...yum.

Work has been hell. This past week was probably my worst week ever at work. On Monday at 12 noon, my new hire....resigned. Sweet. He took a temporary job. He must have really wanted out. I have spent the past 5 1/2 months training this douche bag....and he resigns. OK. I get it...this is a tough gig. But we are 2 months out from our biggest fundraising event....and he resigns. I knew he was having a tough time...but thought that he was adjusting to the job decently...it's tough to get used to the amount of work here. OK. Here's the crap of the deal. I started digging through his stuff. He has not worked in at least 6 weeks. Ya. SIX weeks....probably more. He has been telling me that this-that-and-the-other is done. Nope. Not done. He has spent his time on freaking you-tube & applying for jobs...AT WORK. What a back-stabbing slacker. Oh well. At least I found out now. I can fix his slacker behavior before our biggest fundraiser. However, that will require me to work more than the 60 hours a week I am currently putting in. But this too shall pass. I am proud to announce that that our chapter won a national award for excellence in 2007 that will mean a HUGE bonus for me. (Did I say huge???) The kind of bonus that pays for a wedding. I will stick it out to get that payday. All of those long hours feel a little worth it for this. Plus...it's nice to win a national award. Resumes like national awards.

Cherill is about to deliver Jaxon any day now. Can't wait to meet that sweet boy. I heart you Cherill. You are in my thoughts and prayers. If you need me for anything....let me know. HUGS!

I could use some prayers. The lease with my renter is up in May. Please pray for me that he will want to BUY my condo. Buy it at least at cost of my loan. Please. PRAY. At the very least...want to sign another lease. Pray. Fingers. Crossed.

Maria and Brian's baby A.J. is doing so well. He is home and happy and thriving. Prayers are always needed for this little dude....please think of him in your prayers.

Cheers my naughty monkeys.

R U OUT THERE?

I know that I have taken a pretty long break from my blog...but I am wondering.... ARE YOU OUT THERE? I used to get so many comments and emails from readers & friends who kept up with my blog. Since I have started up again...I am wondering....are you out there? (Geez. I feel like an insecure 17 year old girl. Ha)

Wedding update

Todd and I will be married in about 3 months. Deep breath. THREE months. I am so excited. And nervous. Half of me wants it to be over. And half of me wants it to always be about 3 months way. We have decided to try to get pregnant right away. I have been talking to doctors and trying to plan for this glorious time. Keep in mind folks that I am 35 and will be 36 in August. I am a HIGH RISK pregnancy. That sucks. But it is what it is. One good thing that has come from my work with the non-profit is that I have the best of the best docs in my circle. I have a list of docs that specialize in high risk pregnancies that I will have the opportunity to pick from. Nice benefit. Bad that I need this benefit. Think about it. And this is scenario is in perfect Emily form. I will be married and pregnant (hopefully) in the same year. I always have to do a ton of big stuff all at once. Deep breath. It will be great.

I know it will......

The Jury Is Out

I just finished watching the Oscars. I have to admit...not as thrilling of an experience as I typically enjoy. Oh well. Daniel Day Lewis? I didn't see the movie...so my comments should stop there. Too many of the movies nominated were bloody films...and that's not my cup of tea.

I have been fearing the implosion of my pocket computer calendar. It keeps all of my meetings and appointments...and I rarely go anywhere without it. It's really a piece of crap that I was issued from my non-profit employer...so it's death is not shocking to me. When I started at this job...I swore I would always use my paper (yes...paper) day-timer. I had the same one since I started my career. Every year, I would go and buy the replacement pages for the insides...my calendar. In fact, I remember going to the local office supply store and picking out the style of my day timer notebook. Just to give you perspective...the outside notebook was paisley. OK. Can you say 1989? Yup. Anyway...I fell in love with my computer day-timer...and it's impending death was freaking me out. I went to a store today to look at Smart Phones. Todd and I walk into the store and I announce that I plan to up my minutes package to around 1300 minutes a month and I am in the market for a Smart Phone. Side Bar: We live in an area of town that is up and coming....new store EVERYwhere. I picked this Verizon store because every time I go in...or drive by....no one is in there. OK. No customers. Back to the story. I tell this sales dude my deal. And to cut this story WAY short....he was trying to sell me the phone I wanted for $500. WTF? It's listed in the store with rebates for $299. Anyway. We told the sales guy he was not going to get our business for that price. We came home and found the exact phone with $65 in upgrades for $180 on ebay. Yes. It will be here by Friday. I called Verizon and I can hook this new phone to my current phone number for no charge. Why on earth would anyone ever buy a phone from a Verizon store. I dunno. I may have the answer in a week when the phone I purchased doesn't work. OR...I may be your saving grace for future purchases....the jury is out.

Urban Legends Reference Pages: 1943 Guide to Hiring Women

Urban Legends Reference Pages: 1943 Guide to Hiring Women

My friend sent me an email with a pdf version of the article above called “1943 Guide to Hiring Women” that was taken from Transportation Magazine. This "article" was designed to serve as a guidepost for male supervisors of women in the WWII workforce.

Below I comment how much things have....and haven’t....changed in 65 years.

1943 — If you can get them, pick young married women. They have these advantages, according to the reports of western companies: they usually have more of a sense of responsibility than do their unmarried sisters; they’re less likely to be flirtatious; as a rule, they need the work or they wouldn’t be doing it – maybe a sick husband or one who’s in the army; they still have the pep and interest to work hard and to deal with the public efficiently.

2008 – When I was single...I found myself wanting to climb and climb the corporate ladder. I worked very long hours and the only person who noticed how late I came home most nights was my cat when her tuna dinner was later. Now, I want to be home with Todd...not working. I just want to make a living...not live to work.

1943 — When you have to use older women, try to get ones who have worked outside the home at some time in their lives. Most transportation companies have found that older women who have never contacted the public, have a hard time adapting themselves, are inclined to be cantankerous and fussy. It’s always well to impress upon older women the importance of friendliness and courtesy.

2008 — I think the best part of the "rule"above is the use of cantankerous. Ha! I filed that word in my mental roladex and will use it soon.

1943 — While there are exceptions, of course, to this rule, general experience indicates that “husky” girls – those who are just a little on the heavy side – are likely to be more even-tempered and efficient than their underweight sisters.

2008 — I believe that in today's work force a "husky" girl is less likely to be hired and more likely to be fired.

1943 — Retain a physician to give each woman you hire a special physical examination - one covering female conditions. This step not only protects the property against the possibilities of lawsuit but also reveals whether the employee-to-be has any female weaknesses which would make her mentally or physically unfit for the job. Transit companies that follow this practice report a surprising number of women turned down for nervous disorders.

2008 — Little do they know...it's not our period that makes us crazy at work. It's stupid co-workers and bosses. Ha. Shhhh...that can be our secret.

1943 — In breaking in women who haven’t previously done outside work, stress at the outset the importance of time – the fact that a minute or two lost here and there makes serious inroads on schedules. Until this point is gotten across, service is likely to be slowed up.

2008 — So that’s where the work martyr syndrome (the disorder where women work longer and hard than necessary) originated from. Sheesh.

1943 — Give the female employee in garage or office a definite day-long schedule of duties so that she’ll keep busy without bothering the management for instructions every few minutes. Numerous properties say that women make excellent workers when they have their jobs cut out for them but that they lack initiative in finding work themselves.

2008 — So is women’s lack of iniative the reason why women-owned businesses have grown at twice the national rate this millenium?

1943 — Whenever possible, let the inside employee change from one job to another at some time during the day. Women are inclined to be nervous and they’re happier with change.

2008 — Naw...we don't need change at work to be happy...women are just smart and get bored doing the same task all day. Plus women are really fabulous multi-taskers. Just watch a stay at home mom....or ANY mom for that matter.

1943 – Give every girl an adequate number of rest periods during the day. Companies that are already using large numbers of women stress the fact that you have to make some allowances for feminine psychology. A girl has more confidence and consequently is more efficient if she can keep her hair tidied, apply fresh lipstick and wash her hands several times a day.

2008 — Rest? Women today don’t rest. Who has time between all the balancing, juggling, and multi-tasking to reapply lipstick? Besides, lipstick today can stay on for 8-straight-hours. Dude.

1943 — Be tactful in issuing instructions or in making criticisms. Women are often sensitive; they can’t shrug off harsh words the way that men do. Never ridicule a woman – it breaks her spirit and cuts her efficiency.

2008 – Really? Hillary Clinton is in the race to be president.

1943 — Be reasonably considerate about using strong language around women. Even though a girl’s husband or father may swear vociferously, she’ll grow to dislike a place of business where she hears too much of this.

2008 — Oh fuck

1943 –Get enough size variety in operator uniforms that each girl can have a proper fit. This point can’t be stressed too strongly as a means of keeping women happy, according to western properties.

2008 — Because all men wear the same size too huh?

End scene. This has been fun.

Eraser Tree

Todd told me the funniest story about a kid he went to elementary school with. I laughed my ass off when he told me....and thought I would share.

One day at school all of the student's rubber erasers were stolen out of their desks over recess. The teachers did their research and couldn't figure out who had stolen the erasers. The next day was Show & Tell. This boy Lance brought a rather odd item for Show & Tell...an "Eraser Tree". A stack of rubber erasers all glued together in the shape of a tree.

....Lance's parent's bought every kid at the school a new eraser.

Ha!

One word

Cherill sent me this quiz via email. The deal is that I am supposed to answer each question below with only one word. Ahem. Here we go. She said that it's harder than I would think to answer with just one word. Of course it will hard for me. I never answer any question with just one word. OK....here we go.

1. Where is your cell phone? Downstairs
2. Your significant other? Soulmate
3. Your hair? Blonde
4. Your favorite thing? TiVo
5. Your dream last night? Honeymoon
6. Your favorite drink? Vodka
7. Your dream/goal? Balance
8. The room you're in? Bedroom
9. Sport? Softball
10. Worst smell? Pee
11. Your ex? Who?
12. Your fear? Death
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Mom
14. Where were you last night? Work
15. What you're not? Mean
16. Muffins? Blueberry
17. One of your wish list items? Baby
18. Where you grew up? Lakewood
19. The last thing you did? Netflix
20. What are you wearing? Comfy
21. Your TV Brand? HGTV
22. Your pets? Many
23. Your computer? On
24. Your life? Bliss
25. Your mood? Sassy
26. Missing someone? Nope
27. Your car? Sporty
28. Something you're not wearing? Socks
29. Favorite Store? Shoe
30. Your summer? Wedding
31. Like someone? Most
33. When is the last time you laughed? Dinner
34. Last time you cried? Movie

Reply ALL

OK. I am going to save some people from some crap. Maybe.

Ahem. OK. I am not Emily Post....or even her granddaughter....however. FOLKS. There is an etiquette with the reply all button on your email. When a person sends out an email to several people and has a request of that group.......probably 99.9% of the time the originator of the email does NOT require you to "reply all" and tell everyone on the original email YOUR RESPONSE to the question in the email. So. You stay-at-home-moms (the worst at this abuse of the reply all) don't click "reply all" on your email. Stop it. I don't need 15 emails about your attendance at party...especially one I have no intention of attending. Sheeeeeeh.