Me

I have been writing posts for my blog and not posting them. Last week I deleted all the posts when I was feeling extra down. *Sigh* Until now I wasn't ready to tell the world (or the 3 people who read my blog) that I feel broken. Useless. Depressed.

We have been trying to get pregnant since our honeymoon and have....had...challenges. When we were first starting to try...I was so "whatever" about it. I shrugged off all of the "techniques" my friends shared and said I was never going to be that girl who stresses about getting pregnant. That lasted oh...let's say 3 months. After 3 months, I was like WTF? Why is this so hard? Seriously I see 10, pregnant 15 year olds everytime I go to the mall...can't-be-that-tough. In fact, when we started trying I told a friend of mine that if we got pregnant that month that the baby would be born in ___ month. That friend laughed at me and said, you know, many woman "your age" have trouble getting pregnant. I was kinda pissed but thought...well...not ME. I am usually GOOD at stuff I want and try hard enough to succeed at. No worries here. I-am-a-rock-star.

So after a few months, I started taking ovulation tests...never got a positive. I heard from a few friends who had kids that they never worked for them either. Shrug. I have spent a small fortune on those tests....and still never a positive. Ok. My cycles were 26 day, 42 days, 36 days, 47 days, 30 days...all over the board. I decided to find a fertility specialist. I started seeing her in September. Oh nelly...I had test after test after test. My poor arms were black and blue from blood draws. Is this the way to get pregnant?

So we keep trying. I get my hopes up each month...only to be crushed when my period comes. I have actually started playing head games with myself. One day I feel tired and think..."I just must be pregnant...I feel pregnant...must be!" And then I wasn't.... month after month....test after test. This makes me feel broken. Like 1/2 a woman. I feel bad for Todd. I know how badly he wants to be a dad...why can't I do this for him? For us? There must be a better way.